I love NCIS. I love Gibbs and his neanderthal vocabulary and random violence, DiNozzos' cool attitude, McGees' geekiness... they're all great.
But, as a fan, there are a few odd things about the show.
Number 6: Typing solves everything
There is one hell of a lot of typing done in NCIS. In a typical workplace, you'll certainly hear a significant amount of typing, sure. But you'll also hear mouse clicks.
In NCIS, mouse clicks don't happen. Anything and everything Gibbs could want, from the location of a bad guy to the bank account statements of a grieving widow, are found with a few seconds typing.
And never does the computer systems crash, unless of course DiNozzo is using it.
But if, by some chance the keyboard doesn't meet your needs, well...
Number 5: The psychic clicker
The clicker will.
Whatever Gibbs wants on the plasma screen, it will appear with one click of the clicker. If you've ever used a "clicker" before, for example for a PowerPoint presentation, you'll know that it can either go forwards...
It isn't a magical tool that will bring up any slide that you want, never mind information that isn't on the slide. Either someone at NCIS is spending all their time creating PowerPoints that will be used a total of one times, or there's something special about that clicker.
And don't get me started on-
Number 4: Ducky
Is there anything this man hasn't done? He's trained in shooting, he's been a doctor pretty much everywhere...
And he looks like Illya Kuryakin.
Number 3: The field office in NCIS: Los Angeles
I'm only mentioning this spin-off series once, because to be honest I don't really watch it.
But why are they stationed in what appears to be a garden centre?
Number 2: Everyone else in NCIS.
Who are they? There must be hundreds of different people working at NCIS headquarters, but apart from the handful of named cast, we've no idea who any of them are.
Number 1: GIBBS.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs. The leader of the team, the fearless and indestructible Gibbs.
Gibbs knows when DiNozzo is making jokes about him. He stares confessions out of bad people. He makes boats teleport through walls.
And he is incredibly lucky.
Think about it. Every case, he'll tell his people to look into a particular aspect - the wife, the boyfriend, the bank account, the phone records... and that one thing will result in the piece of information that he needs to find the naughty person and stare the life out of them.
And if that doesn't work, his gun will finish the job.
Almost as though it was a TV show or something.
If you enjoyed this list and like rants of variable quality, check out this list of 8 things you learn from slimming clubs (hint: none of them include "eat less, exercise more")