The favourite one will be played on the Geek & Sundry channel on the 29th of September, I can't imagine that mine is going to be best because there's some seriously decent ones been submitted (and mine is a bit... variable shall we say) but I'd like to at least have a decent number of views and likes.
Over to you dad!
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It was a typical grey
autumn Sunday morning. ‘Mellow’ seemed to describe it well
enough, neither hot nor cold, with just a suggestion of breeze, just
mellow. It was too early for frantic human activity and even the
eternal traffic noise from the nearby dual carriageway seemed muted.
Birds sang, a profusion of berries shone in the sunlight, tree tops
moved gently, the air was good, fresh and clean without threatening
to scour your lungs with needles of ice. All seemed well.
I mused how wildlife
increasingly wakes with the first smear of the days light as the Sun
creeps over the horizon, rat and toad, stoat and minnow arise from
sleeps embrace, but humankind is sluggish and was therefore quiet.
We arrived at the Great
Humber Park soon after breakfast. It is easy to let oneself become
mazed with nature’s wonders. There are several
million species of trees out there, all indistinguishable from one
another. They are full of Penguins or so I’m told – or possibly
or Magpies. I remember years ago I used to wander the pathways
collecting examples of wild flowers with which
the park is so abundantly blessed. I once collected a daisy, and
fifty-nine things that weren’t. Of course, such activity is
strictly illegal these days and to be abhorred.
The parks information
posters tell us that Horseshoe Vetch, Charlock, Sea Urchin, Hemlock,
Water-Dropwort, Mango, Cat's Ear, Wall Lettuce, Pineapple, Loon, Yam,
Nettle-Leaved Selfheal, Cactus, Twayblade, Bougainvillaea, Saxifrage,
Breadfruit, and Tundra are all to be found within the parks confines.
One day soon I really must search for these wonders in earnest.
But I digress. Regardless
of natures evident beauty everywhere I looked, such wonders were
quickly passed over, for my colleague and I were on patrol today, and
in the guise of ordinary dog walkers.
The anti-RBSD squad began
patrol a little after 8am. The park is disarmingly quiet at this time
of day but this was the very time when miscreants seek to do their
foul deeds.
Location 1A was reached
quickly and nothing was found to be amiss.
I mentally ticked off the
first stop of my check list. So far, so good I thought, but remain
vigilant, I felt in my bones that out there somewhere would be our
‘prey’.
Some distance further we
came to the lake (ok pond). The only sign of life, apart from the odd
owl paddling in the reeds, was a solitary fisherman.
We exchanged greetings and
I enquired in an equable manner whether or not the larch were biting,
and he turned and stared at me for a long time.
There is much inbreeding
in these parts, and I put it down to that.
The dogs were excited, a
walk in the park is a big treat for them as rarely do they have so
much freedom, so much of ‘everywhere’ to explore. As we proceeded
we encountered other dog walkers who came and went, greeted, fussed
dogs and continued their way. It was beginning to look as if the park
was clean today and we were making our way back to the car when we
spotted them!
Oh so innocent! An elderly
couple walking quietly through the park, she with a sturdy carrier
bag half full of bird seed.
For goodness sake, there
must be 5kg of the stuff in there, that’s almost enough to feed a
Roc*
Modern protocol forbade
the urge to tie them to the nearest tree and douse them with cold
water as they richly deserved, so we hurried in the direction they
had come from to uncover their misdeeds. And yes indeed, there was a
trail of park benches all but smothered in bird seed, squabbling
birds and bird droppings.
Some of the birds too full
to fly, scuttled out of the way of curious dogs.
We hurriedly swept the
illicit mounds of seed onto the ground thereby making the benches
useable once more for park visitors.
I bid my companion to
remind me to boil my left hand in Domestos for 24 hours when we got
back to base, you can’t be too careful with potential bird disease
you know.
The park administrators
provide ample bird tables and feeding areas throughout the park to
satisfy bird feeding fanatics. There is simply no need to cover every
park bench in bird seed.
It’s a tough job, but
someone has to do it. Rest assured dear readers, the anti RBSD**
squad will maintain its vigilance and strive to keep park benches
free from offensive bird seed.
*Legendary two-headed bird
known for carrying off humans and occasional farm animals to feed to
it’s young on mountain tops. Sodding big!
** Rogue Bird Seed
Droppers.
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