My Day

I've been challenged to write one of these "My Day" posts, which have been doing the rounds.  Typically it's about a hipster-type who spends their day exercising, meditating, squeezing fresh orange juice from cows and doing something odd like having a curried Orangina to keep their energy levels up.

So, here we go.

3am: I wake up and think about the inevitable approach of death. Or biscuits. Biscuits are more likely, really. If I choose to glance at the bedroom door there is every chance that my son is stood there looking at me, and if I make any sign that I am awake he will jump on me. It's a great chance to practice my stealthiness.

3.10am: I fall asleep again.

5am: I wake up by being poked in the eye by a small child. I find this rapidly brings me to complete wakefulness far quicker than the stereotypical "waking up naturally", saving me precious time.

5.10am: I spend the next hour catching up with the world by going on fifteen different social media channels on my phone, one after another. On none of them do I have any notifications.

6.10am: I sit down at my computer for a session of creative writing.

6.25am: I realise that I've spent fifteen minutes looking at a blank Word document whilst playing Words With Friends on my phone. I mean to say that I've been sharpening my English language skills.

6.30am: I ruminate on what food to put in my packed lunch. I find packed lunches far healthier than whatever you can buy, and really gives you chance to include energy boosters like organic fruit, chia seeds, and quinoa.

6.35am: I've packed leftover pizza and a dodgy looking banana.

7.45am: Time to get those vocal chords into action! There's nothing like a good vocal warm up by screaming "GET DRESSED! SOCKS! SHOES!" over and over. I don't worry about the volume because I'm never heard over my sons tablet anyway.

8.30am: At work, full of energy and raring to go.

8.32am: My energy levels are dropping, so I get a vitality boosting bacon and egg sandwich.  I add tomato sauce to help towards my five a day.

10.00am: Someone fetches me a scone.  I always make sure to get a sweet scone (never savory) like dark chocolate and cherry. At this rate I've virtually had all the fruit and vegetables I need for the day.

12.00pm: Time for lunch, and to give my lunch an exciting twist, I grab some extra steps by walking to the chip shop.  Always make sure to add "chip spice" to your chips, the paprika comes with amazing health benefits, such as aiding sleep.

1.00pm: I'm really tired. Time to boost my energy levels with coffee.

1.10pm: More coffee.

1.20pm: More coffee?

1.30pm: EVERYTHING IS FANTASTIC AND AMAZING AND I'M GETTING SO MUCH WORK DONE ITS UNREAL I THINK I'LL HAVE A COFFEE.

5.30pm: Work is over and I spend the drive home unloading my mind whilst eating a Crunchie.

6.20pm: Dinner is served.  I always look for a healthy option such as grilled chicken and rice. Except for Tuesdays because that's when we have pizza.  Whilst eating dinner I watch some Downton Abbey to unwind.

6.25pm: Fall asleep in front of the TV.

7.30pm: Wake up. Rewind the DVD.

8.00pm: On an evening, when the brain is naturally less creative, I relax with a walk.

8.10pm: Funnily enough, whilst on my walk, I appear to find myself stood outside a pub. I do feel that it's so important to support local enterprises.

11.33pm: skweuimcal;c

11.55pm: KEBabs r 'mazing gaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

12:40pm: Howw do u work the lock in teh front dorr?????? Askin 4 frend. xc

I hope that the above is of use to you, I am available for the delivery of seminars and workshops at a very reasonable rate on the topic of how to change your life. Not necessarily for the better, that's why my rate is so reasonable :)

Unexplained Phenomena

Being in a ruminative mood, I'd like to discuss how I'm fascinated by the countless examples of unexplained phenomena encountered in everyday life.

Why, for example, is it not only expected, but absolutely guaranteed, that when we order an Indian takeaway, the following conditions (at least in my house) will always be true:
1 - at least one small part of the kitchen worktop will be stained yellow by the curry, a stain that will be resistant to every cleaning chemical in my house;
2 - I will be wearing a shirt with at least some percentage of white within its design, and;
3 - I will spill some curry down the shirt, making it effectively useless for a work context, except on occasions where the car windows are misted over and I need a rag to wipe them.

In order to examine these phenomena more closely I shall be opening my own university, the University of Minutiae Inc, where PhDs will be available for students to research such irritations of everyday life.  I am already on the lookout for a number of engaged, forward thinking, and most importantly gullible students that can deliver research in the following fields:

• Parcel Delivery - a keen student is needed to carry out a root cause analysis to establish the reasons why parcels are only delivered when you are not in the house, why the local mail depot, which you must visit to obtain the parcel, is only open between the hours of 3.30 and 3.45 in the morning (and is located approximately forty miles away from the nearest human habitations, only reachable by private transport)
• Internet Technologies - an easily distracted student is required to research the design of clickbait websites (i.e. "Click here for 15 amazing photos the CIA doesn't want you to see of Taylor Swift telling you how to be a millionaire with a free iPhone!") in order to discover if the websites do, in fact, have a finishing point where you can stop reading them at last, and en route to the finishing point, to see if there is any actual information of photos the CIA doesn't want you to see, Taylor Swift, how to become a millionaire, or how to get a sodding free iPhone.
• Food - a hungry and imaginative student is required to carry out a inferential analysis of the food within one thousand peoples refrigerators, in particular considering if any of the food in fridges actually went bad by the "Use By" dates on the packaging.  They are also to review the contents of the so called "salad crisper" or "vegetable drawer" to see if, at any point, food is removed from this location to be eaten, rather than just thrown away after going mouldy.

A special UK-only doctorate will be available to someone who wishes to study Argos, an oddity which survives despite combining the worst elements of both internet and high street shopping (you have to go out to the shop to buy what you want, but you don't get to see the item until after you paid for it!)

And of course, there is one very special fellowship available for anyone who can explain why there's such a demand for gym's that are open 24 hours a day.  Who are these people that need to exercise their quad muscles at 2 o clock in the morning, instead of everyone else who is busy being asleep, or possibly drunk and eating a pizza whilst watching reruns of Cagney and Lacey?

We look forward to your interest.

The six questing mugs of Cupland

 All was quiet in Cupland.  It was the night, when the cups were safely cuddled up together with the Great Glass Barrier in place, protecting them from all kinds of nasty creatures.
  Most of the cups were asleep, but one cup, Mr 30, was awake.  He nudged his neighbour, Mr Blue.
 "Blue!" 30 whispered. "Are you awake?"
 Blue yawned.  "I am now."
 "I can't sleep, Blue! I'm too excited!"
 "Why's that?"
 "Because I love mornings!  And I'm right up against the Great Glass Barrier!  I might get out tomorrow!" 30 cried.  The grey insulated mug behind them shook a little, then fell back to sleep.
 "I know, 30."
 "Isn't it great?!?" 30 asked, but Mr Blue had fallen asleep again.

 Mr 30 did indeed get to go out in the morning, and was filled with lovely boiling water, with a bit of milk, coffee, and sugar stirred in.  This was how all the cups lived - they lived in the cupboard, hoping to get out, be taken around the house - perhaps even into the garden, weather willing - get a good scrub in the sink and a dry before going back in the cupboard with their friends.
 It was a good life, if sometimes a slightly boring one.  Mr 30 thought about Foamy the cup, who was right at the back of the cupboard.  Foamy had a big crack in him, which generally meant that a cup would mysteriously vanish and never be seen again, but instead Foamy stayed at the back of the cupboard, never to be used.

 "We have a serious problem," Mr Purple announced one evening, when the lights were out and the various strange pink walking things had left the kitchen.
 "There are less of us than usual.  I don't know where our friends have gone, but Spotty Cyan hasn't been seen for days.  Not to mention Yellowing and Big Flask."
 The other cups shuffled amongst themselves, clinking slightly.
 "We must investigate."

And so the quest was ordered.  An expeditionary force of six mugs was decided upon, to venture beyond the Great Glass Barrier to find their lost colleagues.
 Of course, the first obstacle was the barrier itself.
 "How do we get past it?" asked Blue.
 "Maybe some tea?" suggested 30.  But none of the cups had any tea.
 As the six cups discussed what to do, they were interrupted by some bickering.  They turned to see two mugs, one placed on top of the other, arguing.
 "Oh no," said Swearword, "Who put Black on top of Green? They never agree on anything."
 "I'VE HAD ENOUGH! I'M OUT OF HERE!" shouted Black, leaping up off Green and slamming straight into the shelf above.  The cupboard shook, but instead of the brief shake subsiding, it continued, and then an almighty shudder wrenched the cups around.
 The Great Glass Barrier flew open as a glass from the shelf around tumbled out, crying "You bast-" before smashing on the floor.
 "This is it!  This is our chance!" declared Mr Purple.
 The cups rolled carefully on their sides out of the cupboard and off the kitchen counter onto the floor, where fortunately the smashed remains of a glass made the landing slightly softer.
 "Where do we go now?" asked Swearword.
 "Up.  That is where the answer is.  We go up." decided Purple.

 And so the cups made their way upstairs.  It took them many hours, with each stair being a veritable mountain for the cups to climb, but eventually they made their way right to the top of the house.
 "What now?" 30 whispered.
 "We must visit our god." Purple declared.
 "You don't mean..." Blue said.
 "I do."

 The cups shuffled across the attic floor, moving as quietly as they could, until they were finally face to face with their god.  The one that they dreamed of.  The one that occasionally they got to visit, the one that sometimes hummed and sometimes beeped.
 They reached The Black Tower.

 Mike picked up the mugs, put them on a tray, and took them downstairs to be washed.

The end!

How to make a living by being a geek - honest!

It's been just over two years since I started this blog up and I was very pleased today when I logged into Blogger and apparently I've hit 200,000 views, which is pretty awesome - whether it's accurate or not I'm not entirely sure, as Google Analytics tells me that the figure is actually just under 11,000, but at any rate it's all good.  Thanks for reading!

I decided to draw myself a mind map on how to make a living by being a geek.  I know that there is almost certainly no way that I'll achieve this, but having a plan isn't going to hurt, and it was fun to do.

Hang on - I need to move into "internet marketer speak" to do this blog post properly...

The Fortune Making Mind Map that THEY don't want you to know about!

Hi, I'm Mike Raven, and I used to be just like you.

Then I ate a lot of food, and now I'm twice the person you are.

But you can become like me too!

They don't want you to know about this secret.  Tired of the 9-to-5?  Bored of being a rat in the the rat race?

Want to be happy by earning $000s while sitting at home?

Follow these five steps for eternal bliss...

5 - Make the commitment.

Quit your job.  Are you having fun?  Stop that.  Sit at home and sweat, baby.  Put the time in and the rewards will come.  Learn SEO.  And memes.

4 - Get out there.

Network, it's not who you know, it's who the people you know know.  And who they know too.

3 - READ THE MIND MAP

Read the mind map below.

But not yet - keep reading the five steps first.

2 - FOLLOW THE MIND MAP

Do what the mind map says.

Do that now.

1 - LIVE IN ETERNAL BLISS

Go to Eternal Bliss now!

(Disclaimer: All the above is bad advice, or at best variable advice.  Putting the time in to something that you care about is probably a good thing.  The rest is pretty poor)

Okay, now that's over, here's the mind map.  Enjoy!

If you want to be a writer can I recommend this article by James Altucher that I read on Lifehacker this morning - well worth a read.

Otherwise, if you enjoyed this parody of internet marketing, check out my SEO blog post from a while back, Or even a slightly more serious one about gamification.

On the other hand, my most popular blog post is about being unable to locate nappies (aka diapers).  So try that instead.