My Day

I've been challenged to write one of these "My Day" posts, which have been doing the rounds.  Typically it's about a hipster-type who spends their day exercising, meditating, squeezing fresh orange juice from cows and doing something odd like having a curried Orangina to keep their energy levels up.

So, here we go.

3am: I wake up and think about the inevitable approach of death. Or biscuits. Biscuits are more likely, really. If I choose to glance at the bedroom door there is every chance that my son is stood there looking at me, and if I make any sign that I am awake he will jump on me. It's a great chance to practice my stealthiness.

3.10am: I fall asleep again.

5am: I wake up by being poked in the eye by a small child. I find this rapidly brings me to complete wakefulness far quicker than the stereotypical "waking up naturally", saving me precious time.

5.10am: I spend the next hour catching up with the world by going on fifteen different social media channels on my phone, one after another. On none of them do I have any notifications.

6.10am: I sit down at my computer for a session of creative writing.

6.25am: I realise that I've spent fifteen minutes looking at a blank Word document whilst playing Words With Friends on my phone. I mean to say that I've been sharpening my English language skills.

6.30am: I ruminate on what food to put in my packed lunch. I find packed lunches far healthier than whatever you can buy, and really gives you chance to include energy boosters like organic fruit, chia seeds, and quinoa.

6.35am: I've packed leftover pizza and a dodgy looking banana.

7.45am: Time to get those vocal chords into action! There's nothing like a good vocal warm up by screaming "GET DRESSED! SOCKS! SHOES!" over and over. I don't worry about the volume because I'm never heard over my sons tablet anyway.

8.30am: At work, full of energy and raring to go.

8.32am: My energy levels are dropping, so I get a vitality boosting bacon and egg sandwich.  I add tomato sauce to help towards my five a day.

10.00am: Someone fetches me a scone.  I always make sure to get a sweet scone (never savory) like dark chocolate and cherry. At this rate I've virtually had all the fruit and vegetables I need for the day.

12.00pm: Time for lunch, and to give my lunch an exciting twist, I grab some extra steps by walking to the chip shop.  Always make sure to add "chip spice" to your chips, the paprika comes with amazing health benefits, such as aiding sleep.

1.00pm: I'm really tired. Time to boost my energy levels with coffee.

1.10pm: More coffee.

1.20pm: More coffee?

1.30pm: EVERYTHING IS FANTASTIC AND AMAZING AND I'M GETTING SO MUCH WORK DONE ITS UNREAL I THINK I'LL HAVE A COFFEE.

5.30pm: Work is over and I spend the drive home unloading my mind whilst eating a Crunchie.

6.20pm: Dinner is served.  I always look for a healthy option such as grilled chicken and rice. Except for Tuesdays because that's when we have pizza.  Whilst eating dinner I watch some Downton Abbey to unwind.

6.25pm: Fall asleep in front of the TV.

7.30pm: Wake up. Rewind the DVD.

8.00pm: On an evening, when the brain is naturally less creative, I relax with a walk.

8.10pm: Funnily enough, whilst on my walk, I appear to find myself stood outside a pub. I do feel that it's so important to support local enterprises.

11.33pm: skweuimcal;c

11.55pm: KEBabs r 'mazing gaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

12:40pm: Howw do u work the lock in teh front dorr?????? Askin 4 frend. xc

I hope that the above is of use to you, I am available for the delivery of seminars and workshops at a very reasonable rate on the topic of how to change your life. Not necessarily for the better, that's why my rate is so reasonable :)

Car Advert

I keep getting this advert appear on my Twitter feed for the all-new Jaguar.  It looks like an awesome car, but I get distracted by it's name...

Yeah, I'm a twelve year old boy, I can't help but swap two letters over and say "P-Face" to myself and giggle.

In other news, I finally got around to doing a new video, I'm really pleased, particularly because it's one of my parody adverts, which I love to make, but hardly ever have ideas.  Do check it out :)

Unexplained Phenomena

Being in a ruminative mood, I'd like to discuss how I'm fascinated by the countless examples of unexplained phenomena encountered in everyday life.

Why, for example, is it not only expected, but absolutely guaranteed, that when we order an Indian takeaway, the following conditions (at least in my house) will always be true:
1 - at least one small part of the kitchen worktop will be stained yellow by the curry, a stain that will be resistant to every cleaning chemical in my house;
2 - I will be wearing a shirt with at least some percentage of white within its design, and;
3 - I will spill some curry down the shirt, making it effectively useless for a work context, except on occasions where the car windows are misted over and I need a rag to wipe them.

In order to examine these phenomena more closely I shall be opening my own university, the University of Minutiae Inc, where PhDs will be available for students to research such irritations of everyday life.  I am already on the lookout for a number of engaged, forward thinking, and most importantly gullible students that can deliver research in the following fields:

• Parcel Delivery - a keen student is needed to carry out a root cause analysis to establish the reasons why parcels are only delivered when you are not in the house, why the local mail depot, which you must visit to obtain the parcel, is only open between the hours of 3.30 and 3.45 in the morning (and is located approximately forty miles away from the nearest human habitations, only reachable by private transport)
• Internet Technologies - an easily distracted student is required to research the design of clickbait websites (i.e. "Click here for 15 amazing photos the CIA doesn't want you to see of Taylor Swift telling you how to be a millionaire with a free iPhone!") in order to discover if the websites do, in fact, have a finishing point where you can stop reading them at last, and en route to the finishing point, to see if there is any actual information of photos the CIA doesn't want you to see, Taylor Swift, how to become a millionaire, or how to get a sodding free iPhone.
• Food - a hungry and imaginative student is required to carry out a inferential analysis of the food within one thousand peoples refrigerators, in particular considering if any of the food in fridges actually went bad by the "Use By" dates on the packaging.  They are also to review the contents of the so called "salad crisper" or "vegetable drawer" to see if, at any point, food is removed from this location to be eaten, rather than just thrown away after going mouldy.

A special UK-only doctorate will be available to someone who wishes to study Argos, an oddity which survives despite combining the worst elements of both internet and high street shopping (you have to go out to the shop to buy what you want, but you don't get to see the item until after you paid for it!)

And of course, there is one very special fellowship available for anyone who can explain why there's such a demand for gym's that are open 24 hours a day.  Who are these people that need to exercise their quad muscles at 2 o clock in the morning, instead of everyone else who is busy being asleep, or possibly drunk and eating a pizza whilst watching reruns of Cagney and Lacey?

We look forward to your interest.

Lynx in the wild

I was very lucky to see a rare sight today - a lynx in the wild. Click on the pic below to expand, see if you can spot it.

Yeah, I went there. Come back soon for more craziness.

If you liked this, maybe you'll like a video of middle class whinges, kind of like #FirstWorldProblems but I didn't call it that because there's already loads of #FirstWorldProblems videos out there, but don't look at them, look at mine.

Going Down

Not actually the best guidance on how to traverse a staircase.

How to drive someone mad

How to drive someone mad


1) Arrange your room so that there are two computer desks, up against each other, with monitors blocking the view from one desk to another, whilst leaving enough room for one person to put their hand through.

2) Ask the other person "Would you like some chocolates?"

3) Wait for them to put their hand through, and put three chocolates into their hand (a sugar shelled chocolate like M&Ms, Revels, Minstrels or Smarties work well)

4) Let them see what's in their hand, and then ask "Would you like some more?"

5) Wait for them to put their hand back through, then take another chocolate and tap the chocolates in the other persons hand with it, so they think that you've put more chocolates in their hand.

6) Go back to step 4 and repeat until they work out what you're doing.

Well played, Mrs Raven, well played.


(PS New video uploaded - me talking about retro games, and then going off topic onto the future of gaming.)

6 things only YouTube Creators understand...

So, making YouTube videos is an art.  Something for a natural creator to undertake. But there are experiences that all video makers will share, whatever their video style, regardless of whether they make short hardhitting films, music, or perhaps just videos of a monkey riding a vibrating pig.

Oink.

6) Recording the video will be unreasonably difficult.

I have a variety of equipment to record with.  None of my equipment is top of the range, but it includes an HD webcam, a camcorder, and my smartphone.

The webcam is basically the cheapest 1080 one that I could get, and although it works, it isn't great.  In my computer room it inevitably gives an image too dark, unless I select the "Low Light Compensation" option.

Which solves the problem brilliantly!

Except that this option then makes the speech go out of sync, so you look like a poorly dubbed french film.

If I had a live stream from my webcam, it would look like this.  I haven't had that beard for months.  And I haven't even used that headset since I first got it dancing like a night elf.

Next up is the camcorder.  The camcorder isn't HD, and what's worse records in 4:3 aspect ratio, which probably means nothing to you unless you make videos on YouTube - basically it means that, for it to fit in YouTube nicely, you lose a chunk of either your head or your gut out of the video.

Meanwhile the smartphone is actually the best piece of kit, except for one odd feature.  If you have a modern smartphone, you'll know that the display rotates to whatever way you are holding the smartphone. Got it upside down?  Not a problem, the display will flip round.

However, the camera records a certain way up, and even though the display may look fine, if the smartphone records the "wrong way up" (which isn't obvious as you generally record YouTube videos with your phone on its side) it'll record your video upside down.

Which makes editing REALLY easy.

I hate technology.

Of course, I don't have the best kit to record with, but even if you do...

5) Your video will have a tiny, but critical, mistake in it that means after waiting four hours for it to render, it will be absolutely dreadful and will need amending.

Seriously, this happens far too often.  If you aren't a video creator, you might be forgiven for thinking that actually, percentage-wise, a large chunk of the video makers time is spent recording the video.

No.

Although you might spent a bit of time recording re-takes, and rerecording certain scenes, the vast majority of time is spent mucking about with the video on the computer afterwards.  As an example, I made a ten-minute video talking about video games, as a sort of audition for a gaming channel.  I really enjoyed doing it, but for the two hours I spent recording stuff, I spent about twenty editing the video.

And it still turned out bad.

But there will be some setting in the video editing software that you'll forget to change.  As a result your speech will be out of sync with the video, or the video will end up with black banners around it, or just be plain bad.

Yes YouTube, that's what I wanted. Some big black frames around my video, just to give it that "condolence card" look.

Oh. My. God.  That's the professional quality that has attracted an entire thirty two subscribers to me.

But rendering a video takes an age.  And if you do anything with your PC, it'll slow down and take even longer.  So, as a result, you'll have to wait at least half an hour, watch the video, discover what you did wrong, and repeat.

But eventually, you'll get the video rendered, it looks fine, and you'll start uploading it to YouTube.  Which takes hours if you're uploading a decent quality video, so you'll probably use your PC for other stuff in the meantime.  And you may well do the next one.

4) You will log out of Google in one of your browser windows, whilst your video is uploading in another window.  This will mean that you have to start the upload process again.

Yep.

Next!

3) Any time that you tell YouTube to publish a video, there will be a problem in that video, meaning that a shedload of tweets, Facebook statuses, and Google+ notifications go out, with a link to a video that you don't want people to see.

YouTube tries to be helpful.  It tries to automate the social media promotion stuff that you do, but it will either not work, and make you do it anyway (particularly when trying to post to Facebook), or when it works, about ten minutes later you'll realise that there's a problem with your video, and have to take it down, and restart the whole process.  And when the new video goes up, and is promoted, everyone will think that you're just spam posting about your video and hate you.

Obviously a joke - who could hate a chin like that?  Covered in cuddly grey spikes.

Finally, your video is live.  It looks okay, it has a custom thumbnail, it has annotations, you've done hours of promotion, you've done all the things you're supposed to do.  This one is bound to go viral, right?

And yet...

2) After publishing your video, for about the next six hours you grab your phone every time it vibrates in the hope that it is a nice comment about your video, or perhaps even a new subscriber.  Every time it will be an update from Candy Crush Saga.

NO I DON'T WANT TO SEND ANY OF MY FRIENDS AN EXTRA LIFE

After a few days, you decide to check out the videos statistics, and see if there's anything there that will help soothe your battered ego.

What do you see?  A dislike.

1) You pretend to be okay when a video gets a dislike, but inside you want to kill.

WHY?!?!?!?

Of course not everyone in the world will like your video, you tell yourself.  Of course they can't.  Psy's Gangnam Style has around a million dislikes. You have just one.

Plus, you've got more likes than dislikes, so on balance it's all good.

It doesn't matter. Someone disliked your video.

Time to go hunting.

You can't beat a wooden sword for revenge.  Splinters hurt, boy!

All's said and done, I still love making videos.  If you do want to watch any of my videos, which contain a lot of eating and a significant amount of vibrating pigs, they're over at www.youtube.com/ravenswingthog - thanks for reading!

And lo...

Today we have a guest blog from my dad, about feeding dogs raw meat.  I probably need to give some disclaimer at some point - um, okay.  I am in no way instructing you to feed your animals raw meat, in case something bad happens.  And I'm sure vets are very good.  This post is included for its entertainment value.  Which is considerable.

That being said, if you are on the look out for some decent Christmas/Yule presents, I'd recommend heading over to my parents Facebook page, and giving them a message asap with your postal address and a request for a free catalogue.  They do all kinds of weird and wonderful stuff, like gemstones, jewellery, incense, charm bags, moon diaries, candles, totem stones, books... the list goes on and on.  They're mail order only (well okay you can ring them and order) and there is just the two of them running the business, so if you want something unusual and unique as a present for someone you'd best off get a catalogue as soon as possible and get ordering!

Dad - over to you!

Greetings dear reader, I trust you are well. On occasion in the past I may have regaled you with tales wild and varied, of violent awakenings of a befuddled soul fresh from their bed standing in something unmentionable before the sun has risen upon the day, or have read of the home truths of hairy canines, who be they beautiful, lovely, loyal and loving, are all at one in the same time, still dogs! And on this occasion a unique occurrence presented itself to the writer of tales so I bid thee be of good and hearty spirit, and prepare for amazement …

And lo, the wolves didst look up the sheep of many heads, and the sheep didst gaze back at they, as only the silent dead can do, and the wolves were confounded, and they did look to one another in bewilderment, and then did turn their eyes to their mistress as if to say “What the?”

So it was that one of the breeders pups had eaten a plastic bag with dire consequences – Colitis. In essence, it was crapping blood persistently and far from well. The vet recommended steroids for possibly the rest of its life, a diagnosis of considerable benefit to their bank balance (there’s nothing like guaranteed repeat business, right?) The breeder, who knows more about her breed than probably any vet alive and most other people in the world, knew well enough that the poor creature would not develop properly if kept on steroids – sometimes these drugs are unavoidable, but you need to be off them as soon as possible - so another answer was needed.

Much research and talking with other canine experts in many far flung countries was done and an unusual answer was suggested – raw meat, or rather raw carcasses.

The pup really didn’t want to eat its normal food which is cereal based and so in for a penny etc, raw chicken wings were offered to the dog. Amazingly the pup was more than interested and devoured the wings. The breeder knew full well that bitches who have just recently given birth do well with raw chicken to help them recuperate, and that the new mum’s always try to offer the carcasses to their new pups, which seems a little odd … but maybe they instinctively know what is best?

So this was the food for several days and amazingly the bleeding ceased. After some time the cereal diet was tried again but this brought a resumption of bleeding and was quickly stopped. Apparently the cereal diet caused bleeding, but raw bones and meat didn’t?! An unexpected but a welcome outcome.

Further research suggested that raw carcasses are indeed recommended for this breed of dog (Rough collies) and to cut a long story short, a supplier of chicken carcasses was found and now all the dogs at the kennels (around 30 at present) eat the new diet and to excellent effect. An unexpected side effect is that all dog’s are now worm free and without any form of ‘worm doom’ treatment. Apparently the diet changes the pH balance of the stomach and worms don’t thrive in such conditions. Not what one would have expected, but all to the good.

All most excellent, all dogs now eat chicken carcasses and also tripe, and love it to boot.

But what of sheep’s heads?

Ah well, it only seemed right that the search was ongoing for variations of food carcasses and upon visiting a trade butcher known to the breeder, she was delighted to see sheep’s heads for sale. They were a bargain I must tell you, less than £1 each, and she did speak with the butcher and ask for some sheep’s heads.

Certainly madam, how many would you like (he thinks, she will want one, for a laugh)

Twenty six please.

Certainly madam, erm twenty six? What are you going to do with them?

Feed them to the dogs!

Picture if you will, these are sheep’s heads. Take a sheep, remove the head part and that is what you have got – fur, eyeballs, horns, the lot!

Some time later twenty six sheep’s heads arrived at the breeders and she took them to the dog’s enclosure and ‘deposited’ them. And lo the dog’s were amazed!

And they did look at the sheep’s heads, and the sheep’s heads did look back at them. And the dog’s looked at the breeder as if to say “What the?”

The breeder did wonder if there was going to be a pile of rotting heads in the enclosure thereafter. The dog’s sniffed the sheep’s heads, prodded them, and looked about as if not knowing what to do.

The breeder went to bed a-wondering which colour wheelie bin was most appropriate for disposing of twenty six sheep’s heads.

But amazingly, the curious canines continued to ‘investigate’ the strange arrival in their compound, and the following morning when she went to the enclosure, of sheep’s heads there were none to be seen! Jaw bones, horns and the occasional bit of wool being blown about. All else had vanished completely, tongues, brains, eyeballs, skulls, the lot!

And yes, the dog’s are fine!

Stirred on by the wondrous tale we decided to buy ourselves a chicken and, well chop the bits off that we wanted – breasts and legs – and offer the remains to our two fluffy creatures Maeve and China.

Dad and dogs.  I'm fairly certain the only way he got them both to sit like this was with food.

Maeve, looked at us as if to say “Eh?” She sniffed, prodded, mouthed a small piece …… tried to be attentive as she could, as this was obviously her main meal of the day, but no … what, you expect me to eat it?!

China is a different sort of creature. When she found that she had been given half a chicken carcass she gathered it up and disappeared to find somewhere secluded to eat her prize. We have never known her do this ever before, but hey, apparently this was her birthday and she loved her ‘pressy’.

A few bare minutes later she came back downstairs from the bedroom and took intense interest in the delicious offering which Maeve was ignoring. In an effort to help Maeve along I chopped up all her carcass into bite sized pieces, which was a complete waste of time, no way was she eating that rubbish.

China looked pleadingly, she knows full well that she isn’t supposed to steal Maeve’s food and she looked genuinely surprised when we said “Go on then China, you can have it!”

A few short minutes later every morsel had vanished, the plate licked clean and a very happy dog settled down on the sofa.

And she was fine, no problems of any kind; we haven’t seen China so happy for a long time 

NB Apparently chicken carcasses are ok for dogs but they must be raw – cooking makes the bones brittle and likely to shatter into sharp pieces.  

The 5 groups of people you don't want to meet in a supermarket (or why I hate shopping)

I don't mean to hate shopping.  Actually, I like shopping.  It's shopping with other people in the store that I don't like.

But there are particular groups of people that you don't want to meet when shopping.  And so with no further ado, I give you... The 5 groups of people you don't want to meet in a supermarket!

5 - The stressed parent

We've all experienced them.  I've probably been one.  Nevertheless, we all want to avoid the stressed parent.

That's the one shouting at their kids, one of which is crying, whilst the other one discovers how many unbought Smarties they can fit up a nostril at the same time.  The stressed parent will accelerate around the supermarket, getting increasingly cross at the children, and you just know that if you happen to get in the way of them as they charge towards the freezers holding pizza, chips, and chicken dippers (the ones I tend to be around) you'll get, at best, a verbal lashing as they turn their anger on you, or a slam in the posterior by a speeding trolley.

4 - The slow shopper

At least the stressed parent will be out of your way pretty soon - just keep behind them, and they'll speed off into the distance pretty quickly.

No so with the slow shopper.

These folks obviously have all the time in the world to peruse the shop, and think nothing of spending upwards of fifteen minutes deciding on which brand of celery to buy. I imagine that their thoughts go something like this:

1. Ooh, celery, do we need celery?
2. Well I didn't see any celery when I looked in the fridge.
3. Maybe I missed it.
4. No, I would have seen it.
5. Do I need to buy celery?
6. Do I like celery?
7. Well, yes, I do.
8. Okay then, lets buy some.
9. I wonder which type to buy.  Ooh, there are so many.
10. Should I buy the organic?
11. Or the normal brand?
12. The value brand is very cheap, that looks good.
13. But hold on - what sort of life did the celery experience before it was removed from the field?
14. Maybe I should get the organic - but it's been flown in, while the general brand is local.
15. But the expiry date on the general brand is worse... 

And the slow shoppers thought process carries on like this, disconnected from the body, which stands motionless alongside the very next shelf that you need to visit.

You will stand directly behind them, patiently waiting for them to move on, whilst internally building up a level of rage that usually is only seen in Jean Van Damme films, until eventually they pick up the stick of celery they want.

"Good! At last!" You think to yourself.

But they haven't moved. They haven't left the patch.

Oh no, they're inspecting it for insects.

"Leave!" you mentally fire at them. If you knew how to transmit messages psychically, these people would have fallen over by the strength of your mind assault.

Several seconds pass, and then they move.

About six inches forward.

Now you start swearing at them in your mind.  Your hands clench around the handle of the trolley, ready to lift it into the air, and smash them in the side of the head with it. Any jury in the land would let you off, you know they would.  You imagine being in court, in the defendants box.  Twelve men, good and true, stand to one side.  A judge glares at you, into your very soul.  There is no lawyer there to defend you, you're on your own.
 "Mr Raven, I understand that you are alleged to have caused grievous bodily harm with a trolley."
 "Yes, your honour.  But they had stood for four minutes next to the Uncle Bens basmati instant rice."
 "Four minutes?!? My word. Not guilty! Case dismissed!"

And then the slow shopper finally moves on. You feel a weight lift from your soul, and you pick your celery in a space of about three seconds.

You look around for the next thing you want to buy - ah there it is.  It's on that display over there.

The display where the slow shopper has moved to.

3 - The Telephonist

Now to be honest we've all probably been this person, but it still annoys us when someone else does this.

They use their mobile telephone in the supermarket.

There's a reason that they banned the use of mobile telephones when driving - it's because you can't pay attention on two things at once. The reason is still valid when driving a trolley.

If it was a quick call to check whether your partner wanted Brand A or Brand B domestic lager that would be understandable, but when people recite loudly half of what seems to be the most dire soap opera to the supermarket, whilst knocking over displays and small children with their metal goods vehicle, it can be a little frustrating.

But then there's a twist to this group, the next one.

2 - Telephonist with Child

Next we have a combination of two previous groups - the telephone operator, but this one has a child in tow.

They will be absentmindedly picking packets of Cheesestrings and dropping them carelessly in the trolley (Seriously?!? Surely you must have considered the danger of the packet being pierced by something as a result of the fall and the expiry date becoming inaccurate!!) whilst chatting away to a friend, the child happily exploring the supermarket without restriction.

 "Oh yes Tracey! You wouldn't believe what he said. He said that he was going out!"

A pause, presumably while her friend replies.  The child is now covered in a variety of foods that they have managed to smear all over themselves, the floor, displays, and the coats of strangers.

 "I know! Well I said to him that if he was going out then I was going out- CHARMAINE GET YOUR FINGERS OUT OF THE MULLER RICE THIS INSTANT!"

But finally, we have the most scary, the most undesirable group of person. Rarely seen, but always dreaded.

1 - The stranger that speaks to you. That isn't a till operator.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGHH!!!

So many social conventions broken. And not in a good way - like the poor deluded fool in a men's toilet that attempted to kick off a conversation with five other men whilst all of them were using the urinals, by saying "So, how's everyone doing?". That one, after about three seconds of silence, resulted in every man in the vicinity bursting with laughter at the chap that attempted to break the vow of peeing-silence.

No, this one is just creepy. I don't want to know that my choice of washing powder isn't ideal. I don't want to know that you're going on holiday to Tahiti this summer. And I don't want to know that if I stick my credit card into an orange, the acid will eat away the personal data on the card within a decade.

I just want to do my shopping.

And go home.

And watch TV and maybe, if I really feel up to it, eat a bag of crisps.

I like crisps.

HONOURABLE MENTION: CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS.

At Christmas you get all of the above and more groups, such as:

• The last-minute shopper (rushing around in a panic buying anything they think might work as a present - boxes of broken biscuits, value shaving cream, cat litter, that sort of thing)
• The big Christmas shopper (buying everything for their whole Christmas in a single shop, driving two trolleys around the store, blocking whole aisles as they pause to choose their cranberry sauce)
• And everyone else, those people who normally shop in a socially acceptable manner, but due to the stress of Christmas, the store being crammed full of people, and rapidly emptying of the absolute essentials of Christmas, driving usually sane people to scream "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY DON'T HAVE ANY BRUSSEL SPROUTS? NO, I DON'T WANT BUTTON SPROUTS INSTEAD! AND I DON'T WANT SPROUTS WITH CHESTNUTS, I HAVE A NUT ALLERGY!!!"

Yay for shopping!