UK Solution #FixThePlus

So, it's been an eventful few days in the UK, topped off with the result in the football.

Anyway, with all the uncertainty, I've had an idea of a little backup option, just in case things don't go well...

Are you keeping an eye on Jeff?

Just a quick post to say that if you aren't already, you ought to be checking out the Saving Jeff series on Life, Explained - robots, war, and a guy from Packing.  What more do you need.

And Bob, the Custodian, of course.

Read Part 1 - Jeff and the Tiny Killer Robot here, and then...
Part 2 - Jeff's Body Fights Back
Part 3 - The Battle For Jeff
Part 4 - Saving Shipping Guy Jeff
Part 5 - Dawg Turns On The Charm
Part 6 - We take the offensive in the Battle for Jeff

Excited?  I know I am.  It's like the England vs Russia match all over again.

Football's coming home... #Euros2016 #ENG #FixThePlus

Football has returned with an almighty bang as the European 2016 football championship (aka UEFA EURO 2016) has well and truly kicked off. 24 of the best teams from around Europe are taking part in the matches across France, in an attempt to lift the trophy on the 10th of July.

As expected, England didn't win their first group game, although for a few minutes they got worryingly close to lifting the spirits of the nation as they led 1-0, until Russia pulled it back to a draw.  Even the BBC continuity announcer today introducing the Germany/Ukraine game couldn't stop himself from commenting "I bet THEY won't concede in injury time"! (which they didn't - Germany did what exactly they should do, increasing their lead in stoppage time to put the result beyond reasonable doubt)

For myself, I have many strengths, but playing football is not one of them.  For a number of years I used to play regularly, never getting quite beyond the level of "Extremely Bad", which I blame entirely to my eyesight.

I am somewhat shortsighted you see, which first came to light when I was 19, and finding that the road signs really weren't big enough, I couldn't read them until I got right up to them, and subsequently discovered that it was my eyes rather than the rest of the universe that were at fault on this particular point.

But wearing glasses whilst playing football isn't really recommended - I did tinker with some special prescription goggles, which are designed to pop apart when you get a ball in the face.

And make you look like an extremely unfashionable time traveller from the future.

But these didn't work that well either, I found that they steamed up within a couple of minutes of playing, rendering them even worse than playing without corrective lenses.  Contact lenses I never managed to correctly put in, so I resorted to playing generally in my second best glasses, so that I didn't mind when they did get hit, and scattered lenses and bits of spectacles liberally across the playing surface.

Now, I have sadly retired from soccer (after attempting a Zidane-style hop over a football, and instead stepping onto the ball, falling off it, and doing some sort of ligament damage to my knee) but whenever the big tournaments are on the football shirt comes out of the cupboard, and I find a comfy sofa, and some beer, and spend a pleasant two hours shouting at the television in an attempt to inspire some of the best footballers in the world, whilst balancing snacks on my stomach.  Well, someone's got to do it.

If you're interested in football, maybe this video where I explain the benefits of soccer over american football might be of interest.  Plus you get to see me be punched in the face.

To all Football Clubs

I'm aware that football (aka soccer in parts of the world) is big business and the cost of top quality players is really quite high.

Plus, when I was playing Fifa 12 the other day, I realised that I was selling off the players aged 32 because they were getting too old to play.

And I'm 32.

So to all top teams, while there's still a chance of me getting a good two years solid pay from playing football at a top club, I'd like to humbly put forward myself as your next purchase.

I'm extremely skilled at running for lengths of up to three yards at a time, and running into things, I don't care what - balls, players, goalposts, I've run into all of them - and can add a wildcard feature to any match.  Regardless of the ground surface I have a decent chance of falling over and injuring myself (generally with my ankle giving way, but I could do something with my knee or ligaments if that is preferable).  This way you can be sure that I will minimise the amount of time I spend on the pitch, either playing or training, which has got to be good.

I'm more than happy to present the club in positive forms of PR, for example by advertising razors, aftershave, fast cars or holidays.  Alternatively I'd love a piano.

I think for teams up against playing rivals featuring a star striker, I can be of great use by running into the star player at full pelt, ignoring the ball.  I'm sure to get a red card (thereby entirely removing the possibility of me scoring an own goal) and with all luck I'll cripple the striker, leaving the game wide open.

I also come with my own glasses (see below).  These glasses have special features, namely:

• They steam up almost instantly, meaning that it is entirely possible that the opposing team will stop playing to watch me tackle the referee
• They pop apart upon impact, so I'm likely to attract more than my fair share of balls aimed at my head, increasing the opportunity for headers

Wily football managers could even buy me for a small sum (see below) and then offer me on a free loan to their rivals, where I'll be able to sabotage them from within.

I have studied post-match interviews at length and am confident that I can adequately represent your club, with the use of these phrases:

• "It was a game of two halves."
• "They played to win."
• "My ankle hurts."

So to attract me to your team, all I ask is a seven figure salary, a sportscar, some new trainers and an understanding that I will undertake absolutely no training whatsoever.

Neither will I play at stadiums more than 60 minutes away from my house.

I look forward to your approaches.

In the world of soccer...

So, I'm playing FIFA 12 a lot.  I'm aware that any soccer enthusiast will now be calling me all kinds of names because I'm playing a game which is an entire 3 years old, but it was £2, so there.

For much of my spare time over the last week I've been managing Bradford City and helping them to work their way up the leagues, win cups, that sort of thing.

And I thought that I'd share a few of the action packed moments with you?

Here we are facing the deadly Swindon Town.  They apparently have an OVR of 59.  I'm not entirely sure what OVR stands for, but the higher the number is, the tougher they are to beat.

Allegedly.

The team from Swindon was seriously hampered when they chose to play eleven coloured dots instead of actual people.

I would note that the game attempts to sabotage my team by rearranging my players periodically, generally putting my best players in reserve and instead equipping my team with a variety of cleaners and lollipop men.

Here's all the action going on.  I have many many pictures that look like this, and they're all just as informative.

And because I'm such an ace player (aka I have it on "easy"), I score goals, and the below happens a lot.

That is to say, things get physical.

Time for another game!

Football versus American Football - which is better?

For today's post I've linked up with Tim Clark over at Life, Explained, to compare the two sports, with each of us defending our chosen sport.  As a born and bred Englishman I am naturally defending football (aka soccer) whilst Tim champions the American spin-off of Rugby, American Football.

To my mind, it's pretty easy to defend.  Football is so much simpler to play, you don't need multiple layers of armour, or a "gridiron" (which I understand is actually two words, but for some reason the Americans have missed the space in the middle), and you don't even need an egg-shaped ball, the typical round sort (or a soda can at a pinch) will do fine.

And football can be tough, too.  This photo was taken after I took a knee to the face after one enthusiastic game.

Although I tell people that actually I got it by stopping a bus from rolling over a cliff by interjecting my face in the way.

And I think to be honest even the Americans secretly agree, if they don't then why did they manage to do better in World Cup 2014 than England?  Obviously it's because they have significantly increased the level of resources invested in the game, there can't be any other possible reason.

Honest.

I'd like to also signpost you towards my new video supporting football, which includes a number of example football plays, and I think clearly shows why football is the greatest game in the world.  It also involved me getting punched in the face which is well worth a look.

Do leave a comment to say if you agree or not (and why), and do check out Tim's blog on the subject to see which of us makes the better argument.

On me 'ed, son!

Coming up...

Enjoying the Blog of Thog?

Wondering what's coming up in future posts?

Well, we're planning a rather exciting transatlantic debate between myself and my arch-rival and nemesis Tim Clark at Life, Explained (actually he's very pleasant and an excellent blogger but telling you that isn't going to raise the tension) about football, and comparing american "football" to the real football, the beautiful game.  Jumpers for goalposts, afternoons in the park on a Sunday... all that sort of thing.  If you haven't already done so check out Tim's post about our plans.

But am I qualified to talk about football on behalf of the rest of the world?  Well, I strongly believe so, because:

a) I've played it
b) It was possibly invented in England (and I live in England)
c) It'll hopefully make for a half decent blog post

Stay tuned!

I'm not a football fan, but...

Come on Hull!!!!

Chester, Davies... okay, so Arsenal got one back, but I bet if you'd told any Hull fan that at half time it'd be 2-1 up to Hull they wouldn't be entirely displeased.

Bad news though - I'm out of beer.  concerned that I may have to resort to white wine, which seems entirely unsuitable for watching football.

Football

Now, I'm not saying that I don't like football.  I do.

If England are playing there's a reasonable likelihood, especially if it's a big tournament, that I'll be watching the game.

And I support not just one, but two football teams, Newcastle United and Hull City.  But when I say "support", what I mean to say is that I quite like to hear that they've won.  I've no idea who is playing for either team, when their next game is, whereabouts they are in the league, anything like that.  I support Hull City because I live there, and Newcastle because when I was at college you either supported Leeds or Newcastle, and there were more Newcastle supporters than Leeds so I decided to try to average the numbers out.

I'm aware that people that enjoy football will be saying that I have no right to call myself a supporter - yes, you're correct.  But it's easier to say that you support a football team than "you are mildly interested in a football team"

However, for people like myself, there is a life lesson to learn.  You will encounter, particularly in pubs, but also in the office and even in taxis, real fans of football.

These souls will discuss how amazing it is that Smithy has bought the two Argentinians for a song and a supper, and that they are being played in a Quadruple Counterback position, when they should be a Swingside Forward Winger, and that Forgii shouldn’t be playing the full ninety minutes because he broke seven legs last game and one of them was his own. They will laugh, and their eye will twinkle in a way that indicates that you should be joining in.  It is essential for any man to learn to recognise this copy and know how to copy it, so that you can appear knowledgeable about football when all you know is that the round thing needs in go into the stringy thing and you wish they wouldn’t switch ends at half time because it means for the first ten minutes of the second half you are cheering every time the other side scores a goal.