Day Zero

Today, dear readers, is day zero.  It is the last day before the counting commences.

It is the last day... that my wife is here.

To halt the dramatics, allow me to explain that she's off to Australia for three weeks to visit her sister and her partner - my sister-in-law has just given birth to a beautiful baby girl, and my wife will be starting her journey to Melbourne tomorrow morning to help out for a few weeks.  As I write this bags are being packed.

As a result, me and our son will be fending for ourselves.  We broke the news to him yesterday, but he seems more put out by the fact that he's going back to school after two weeks off than his mum not being around (this will change the first time he has an accident or I annoy him or something!)

In preparation for taking over the cooking duties, I made a huge vat of anonymous mash vegetables for freezing.

I had the bright idea, you see, that I could make a load of mashed potatoes, and mix in it some other vegetables, to get some nutrition into mine and my sons diets, to try to start off on the right foot and not be resorting to takeaways every night.

However, it's pretty obvious in the picture above that it isn't pure top-quality mashed potato, and I suspect I'm going to be eating most of that myself.  I did add some bacon into the vegetables when they were boiling to add flavour, interestingly while they didn't add any flavour to the vegetables the process did succeed in sucking all of the tasty bacon flavour from the bacon itself.  Eating flavourless bacon is odd, trust me.

So cross your fingers for these next twenty six or so days of freedom.  Perhaps by the end of it I'll have learned to cook!

Sausage rolls

Before we start: I didn't realise this, but sausage rolls aren't really a thing in the US, apparently.  If you're not familiar with this delicacy (essentially sausage meat cooked and encased in puff pastry) you may wish to do some brief research.  I welcome any and all Americans - and other nations - to discover the sausage roll. And if you like the sausage roll, just wait till you have a yum yum.

I've been to the bakery today.

You see, my son quite likes on a Saturday morning to go to the bakery for some sort of biscuit - today it's a dinosaur biscuit - and while we're there, it seems churlish of me not to partake in something, after all I must have burned at least three calories walking there, and I wouldn't want to risk fainting with hunger on the way back.  So, I decided that a sausage roll might be nice.

The trouble is, you can't just buy one sausage roll.  Technically, yes, I suppose you could, but when the price for one sausage roll is in the region of £15,000 each, or four are on offer for just £1, you get four.

But what do you do with four?

They are provided hot, or at least warm, from being cooked this very morning.  Over time they will become less pleasant as they cool.  So it makes sense to eat them all up.

But is four sausage rolls excessive, as a mid-morning snack?

Well, yes, they are.

One is absolutely fine, and two is a good amount I would suggest which indicates that you are going to be involved in some form of physical labour (knocking down a wall, perhaps, or stopping a car rolling down a hill with nothing more than your burly muscles and iron will) and therefore in need of the energy provided by two sausage rolls, but more than two is excessive, however tasty and warm they are.

Don't get me wrong, they obviously have no calories because my wife isn't present to see me eating them.  But the quantity is really just a bit too high for my conscience.  If only they had been formed into a single really big sausage roll, then it would have been fine (or even chopped up into those mini bite-size sausage rolls you can get for buffets, you can eat an infinite amount of them)

Then I realise, wonder of wonders, that it is actually twelve o'clock - that means that they can be classed as lunch.  And whilst four sausage rolls might be considered unusual for lunch, it's not absolutely ridiculous.

Except my son has now paused the consumption of his biscuit to have a go at the remaining sausage rolls.

I trained him well.

You Gotta Eat Here

I've been watching a lot of "You Gotta Eat Here!" which is a sort of Canadian version of "Man v Food" without the challenges, instead it's just lots of visiting great eateries and seeing what food they sell.  It's fun to watch, especially because the main guy can't handle really spicy food, and the various restaurants like to feed him the spiciest thing they can deliver.

So, in tribute, here's some food related pictures of mine from the past:

This would be evil carrots, made when I really wanted chips but couldn't leave the house due to having an ill child.

Two really huge biscuits.  Quantity, not quality.

Jaffa cake jelly.  You wouldn't think it, but there's about a thousand calories in that bowl.  It really needed some squirty cream to finish it off though.

Some sort of meatball curry with a huge amount of tandoori paste.

Pocky (they're like Mikado) from the local Chinese supermarket.  Well worth a visit if you're feeling adventurous.

A really big marshmallow.

Some sort of pate on a cracker, which means it was Christmas.

Sandwiches from Waitrose

Fried chips with extra fried.

What happens if you use a herbal tea bag twice.

A takeout coffee so that I could pretend that I'm in NCIS.

I have no idea what this is but by the looks of my desk I'm feeling emotional.

A Polish dinner so amazing that it's upside down.

Two Norwegian policemen.  I haven't eaten these.

The yin-yang of puddings.

I'm nearing my 500th blog post, which is surprising and quite pleasing.  If you've got any suggestions for my 500th, do let me know in the comments!

Food Thermos = Nose Warmer

This is a food thermos.  My wife got it because it keeps large quantities of food warm (like soup - I'm sure it'd keep a pie warm but getting it out might be a little tricky), but I've discovered that it's also great for a coffee on a cold night, because you can fit your nose inside it to keep warm.

Also, because it's so huge, you can fill it up with coffee at the start of the evening (maybe a liqueur one - have to consult the liqueur coffee decision tree) and it'll keep you going until bedtime.  At which point you can't sleep because you've chugged a pint and a half of coffee.

By the way, I made a video about queue jumping.  Is it always wrong?  Watch and decide.

Is healthy food as accessible as unhealthy food?

Yesterday I went to Food Matters Live 2015, a huge conference at the Excel centre in London about food, health, and nutrition.

Now, I have to say that it was absolutely fantastic, even for someone like me who doesn't work in the food industry, and certainly can't be classed as a health fanatic of any sort, it was really interesting to discover loads of new products, but also I really enjoyed sitting in on the very first panel discussion, which was discussing the obesity crisis in the UK and how to tackle it.

In the discussion there was a lot of talk about education, and especially for children, to educate them in healthy choices, and I do think that it is an important point, but one thing that I didn't hear about was the accessibility of healthy foods.

Taking myself as an example, I am lazy when I can get away with being lazy.  I make no excuses for this, I consider it a sign of efficiency if I can get something done quick and with less effort.  Now, every day when I walk in the front door at home after being at work, there will be at least one, if not more than one, takeaway menus on the floor.  These are invariably for pizzas, kebabs, fish & chips, or occasionally something like a Chinese or Italian (which I accept will have some healthier choices).  But while there may be healthier choices on the menu (and certainly on the normal pizza menu there isn't), these aren't really highlighted in any way - no calorie listings, no fat content shown, just pictures of lovely fried meat and cheese on top of bread.  There's nothing like the traffic light signs which show up on foods bought in supermarkets.

Furthermore, I have access to a number of "apps" on my phone.  Taking my laziness a step further, I can quite easily choose to sit on the sofa, and by prodding at my phone for a few seconds I can then settle down to a repeat of Friends, content in the knowledge that I have ordered and paid for a delicious yet unhealthy food to be delivered to my front door (which is just a few steps away).  Again, certainly on the app that I normally use, there isn't any nutritional value information available (or if there is I've missed it).  And the places that typically would offer healthier food, like delicatessens or health food shops, aren't on the apps.  You can't order a healthy yet tasty meal from your local delicatessen to be delivered, but you can order a kebab and chips from any number of places.  And for me, the effort and time that goes into chopping and preparing a salad makes it a less attractive option.

Do not get me wrong - it's entirely my fault that I am not an ideal weight, I'm not blaming anyone but myself.  But what I am saying is that healthy food is not always as easily accessible as unhealthy food, at least in the food delivery sector.  I don't have an answer for this either, I'm merely highlighting an issue.

Now, I'm going to go and work my way through the samples I got at the conference (video coming soon) - yum!

Lunches at Conferences

Photo courtesy of tpsdave via Pixabay - CC 0 Public Domain license

Today I'm talking about conferences.  And in particular, my favourite bit of conferences, lunches.

Now, when you're organising a conference, there is a pecking order that you can't help but put the speakers in.  You'll have one of your best speakers right at the start as a keynote speaker, to set the tone and invigorate the crowd for the day.  You may well have your second best speaker at the end, although this is always a risk as people may start vanishing at the end as they realise the benefits of leaving 20-30 minutes early (i.e. reduced traffic and an earlier return to home)

Generally people in the "graveyard slot" (the one right after lunch) aren't the most exciting in the world, they're the people that you need to include on the agenda but it isn't the end of the world if someone takes a nap during their talk.  Sometimes people mix it up by putting an exciting speaker after lunch to keep people awake, but this only messes with peoples digestive practices as their brain attempts to keep awake a body headed into sloth after consuming three triangular sandwiches, a chicken drumstick, and an onion bhaji.

But I think one slot overlooked by event organisers is the one before lunch.

This slot is clearly for your controversial speakers, the ones that you're pleased to have but that might just say something that you're a bit nervous about people hearing.

The reason why this is the ideal slot is that about halfway into their talk, a door in the conference room will open and all the attendees will catch the little rattle of the kitchen trolley bringing in the lunch.

And from that point the speaker has lost any hope of holding their audience.  Instead, everything person is glancing at the lunch and at the clock, only gazing at the speaker perfunctorily, and they'll be thinking the following things:

• Lunch is here.
• When is this guy going to stop?  Surely they can see lunch is here too.
• Look how small that trolley is.  I don't think there's enough food there for all of us. Better make sure I'm at the front of the queue.
• How much plastic wrap do they need to put round those sandwiches? It'll take forever to open better. Better make sure I'm second to the front of the queue so I don't have to open them.
• I can see little pork pies cut in half! Screw the diet, I'm having one.
• Ooh, look at the gluten-free diet wrapped up by itself.  What is gluten anyway?  I think Collegehumor had a video about it.
• Lunch lunch lunch lunch lunch. I want lunch, please stop talking, because I want to eat lunch.

And the longer the speaker keeps going, the more the crowd starts to hate them for delaying their lunch.

If you enjoyed this, here's a post about a particular conference I went to a while back which featured some unexpected guests...

I'm going to be setting up some guest posts to run over the next few weeks as I'm getting married and hopefully going on honeymoon - I'll do my best to intersperse the guest posts with my own, but I've been very pleased with all the support the blogging community has made in sending me posts!  If you'd like to get involved, let me know.

Are you ready for Apple Dumpling Day?

September 17th is national Apple Dumpling Day!

To be brutally honest, I'm not entirely sure what an apple dumpling is, I understand that it's an American delicacy.  I believe that it is a peeled and cored apple, coated in cinnamon and sugar, cooked within some pastry.  Don't get me wrong - I'm very very keen indeed to sample one, I just don't think that I've ever had one.  By all means if anyone I know is baking some tomorrow, let me know and I'll happily take one off your hands!

Meanwhile for UK readers, (I may not be able to say that for much longer bearing in mind the Scottish referendum coming up!) I am very excited because on Sunday, Downton Abbey returns, and with it so does my Sunday evenings with a bit of supper, maybe a hot chocolate (depending on the syns - I have just started Slimming World after all!).  I've been deliberately avoiding any spoilers about the series on the internet as I want it all to be a great surprise.

Before that though, in twelve hours however I shall be at Hull College for the Higher Education Freshers Fair, getting ready to promote the Travelling Book project, I was there last week which went very well and I'm hoping for a good response from the HE students!  If you're in the area do stop by the college, I have a free competition going on, free sunglasses and sweets (although not a huge amount of either), plus students are able to support the Travelling Book project at a cut-down price for a short time!  We'll be open from 10am onwards.

Now I'm off for a quick half hour on Hearthstone before bed, apparently it's up to 20 million players and they're planning to release it on Android tablets and suchlike which is excellent news for a Android fan like me - Hearthstone does work on my laptop (just) but generally to play I have to be on my desktop at home, while a quick game when out and about would be grand!

I hate macaroni cheese

Mac and cheese.  This is a cool way of saying "macaroni cheese" isn't it?  Why would you choose to eat macaroni cheese?

Mac and cheese makes it sound like it'll be something that tastes nice, maybe a Big Mac with cheese on.  But it isn't.  It's weird pasta in a nasty cheese sauce.

I am saying this now, laying down the ground rules for the reason why I will never eat mac and cheese.

Because a very small part of me thinks that it might actually be nice.  Maybe the tinned macaroni cheese that I had when I was 7 or whatever aren't actually at the pinnacle of culinary creations.  Just earlier this week, after a long rant about how I "don't like quiche", I ate my lunch, which consisted of quiche made by my other half.

And it was nice.

Quiche is always something I've struggled with.  Bacon - cheese - eggs - I like all of these.  But never in a quiche.

Yet on Tuesday, it was good.

And when I was a kid, I hated cheese on toast... that is until I tried it, and discovered that it's pretty damn good.

And now I live in fear that my hatred of macaroni cheese is wrong too.

I'm eating Pocky

As I type this, I'm eating a Pocky.

What's a Pocky?

it comes in a box.

It's a banana chocolate piece of confectionery that I bought from the Chinese supermarket today (if someone is reading this that has a question about me going to the Chinese supermarket - yes I did).  It's nice, if slightly unusual.

I say boy, I'ma gonna get me some vittles, hell yeah

It's (probably) the same as Mikado if you remember them (see website comparing the two).  But I don't remember Mikado coming in so many flavours - Pocky comes in chocolate, choco banana (the one I chose - very strong smell of chocolate banana when you opened the pack, but not so strong taste), strawberry, milk, and some others too I think.

In other food news, Starbucks are releasing a new item to its range of foods, the Duffin - a muffin with jam in the middle and coated in sugar.  Whilst I'm not convinced of the name it's probably better than any other combination of the words muffin and doughnut - doughfin, moughnut, or muffnut anyone?

The defeat of limits...

I've had my limits challenged tonight, by a meal.

I don't like meat with bones.  Ask anyone that knows me, they'll say "Mike doesn't like meat with bones".

Actually, no, I imagine they'll say "Mike?  Yeah, I know Mike.  He's familiar with pies."

Which I am.  I love pies.

But I don't like meat with bones in.

To be precise, I don't like bones in my food full stop.  I don't particularly like having to muck about with food before I eat it, whether it's removing bones, cutting away fat, cooling it down because it's too hot to eat... if it's on my plate I want to eat it.  I am willing to compromise - I will use a fork to get the food from my plate to my mouth rather than just eating it straight off the plate using fingers (or inserting my face into the food - after all this would result in an extra chore of washing face afterwards) - but I do prefer the process of getting the tasty plate of food converted to empty plate to be a straightforward as possible.

Now, if you've been reading any of my recent posts, you'll know that we like polish food.  We generally get a polish takeaway at least once a week from the excellent Kuchnia.  Now, my partner always orders the same thing (devolay with extra mash and garlic sauce), but I like to try different things, and the problem is that because we're not familiar with polish food, I don't know what they make without a menu.  So, what I do is I ask them to give me "something with meat" and they do so.

This has always worked out excellently.

But then tonight happened.

My meal arrived - and it was pork ribs.

Ribs, for those that failed Biology, are bones.

It was therefore to my extreme annoyance that after a handful of seconds scraping the meat off the bones and disposing of the excess thoracic cartilaginous material, that the meal itself was delicious, and I have to admit that I wouldn't be entirely against trying it again.

I do hope no one reads this so I can continue to complain about how much I dislike food with bones in.