Travelling and trying to create a buzz by dancing

 

So, I've just come back from a week in Bordeaux in France, and it was lovely.

But hot.

Now, for those who aren't aware, I'm from the UK, and not even the southern bit.  I'm from the north, where twenty degrees Celsius (68 in Fahrenheit) is getting hot.  So me choosing a place where it was regularly in the thirties - and on the day of us leaving, was due to hit 41 - wasn't the best idea.  Nor was it booking a hotel without air conditioning, fortunately I rectified that on arrival and got upgraded, otherwise sleep would have been a faint hope.

But France was great, the people were great, and we saw so much cool stuff, like the Museum of Illusions, which is full of optical illusions, allowing for photos like this:

It's interesting though what things you take for granted which turn out to just not be a thing in different countries.  Getting fresh, not UHT milk from a supermarket or a corner shop was seemingly impossible.  And the amazing french bread that was provided along with meals never came with butter unless you asked for it (which seems like an oversight bearing in mind how much french butter is).

Nevertheless, it was a great experience.

Onto my second subject of the post, which is that I need to rebuild an audience.  Not that I ever had a huge one, but letting my blog and YouTube channel atrophy for several years didn't help.  And you see, I'm writing a book that I want to release by the end of the year.

It's not a clever book, or a sensible book.  It's a bunch of short silly stories that make me laugh, and hopefully if you share my sense of humour, will do the same for you.

But if I'm to make my fortune selling a book, I need several hundred thousand willing fans waiting to buy it.

I thought that I might hop onto social media trends to build my audience - now, if you're not aware, Deadpool & Wolverine is in cinemas at the moment, and one of the dances, to NSync's Bye Bye Bye, is quite popular on TikTok right now.

Oh god no.  I'm not posting that video for people to see.

Anyone want a cheap Deadpool mask? Barely used?

It was suggested to me, that as Ryan Reynolds had a body double do the dance in the film for him, that I perhaps need the same.  Applicants do feel free to reach out.

Holidays

Firstly, thanks to Tim and Rahul for their blog posts while I've been away :)

Well, we've been on a weeks holiday around the UK.  A great deal of it is fading from memory, so I shall attempt to capture as much as I can...

Firstly, we went over to Wales near Caernarfon to see a friend that we haven't seen for far too long.  Wales was very nice, there was tunnels to drive through which my son loved, although he wasn't quite so keen on the time when, feeling a sneeze coming on whilst on the motorway (in the passenger seat) I quickly decided to take advantage of the open window to release the sneeze, and instead of the offending material being ejected out into nature, it blew back through the rear passenger window and onto my sons head!  We also got lost trying to find the Travelodge hotel on the evening - I think we got right up close to it, and at the last moment took a wrong turning which resulted in us driving around in circles for an hour, fuel tank getting ever lower!

And I had some beer in Mold too (Mold is the town name, not a condition of the beer)

We did eventually find the Travelodge, and have a decent nights sleep, after relocating my son, who on entering the Travelodge skirted past the single bed, settled himself in the big double bed, and asked "Where's daddy going to sleep?!?"

The following day we drove up to Knowsley Safari Park.  I was particularly excited by the bridge that we were going to go over, because the signs up to it just said "THE BRIDGE" - clearly such an impressive bridge that it didn't need a name or anything extraneous like that.

As bridges go, it was alright.  I'd still give the Humber Bridge higher marks through.

At Knowsley Safari Park you get to drive round a park and look at various animals, like lions, rhinos, elephants, and notably baboons.  You can drive round as many times as you want, and to be fair there are warnings not to go in the baboon enclosure if you want your car to survive.

The first time was okay, we had a baboon or two sit on the car, but they didn't show much interest in the car except as a way to get moved around the enclosure.

The second time however, we had baboons that were much more interested in taking full advantage of the facilities that a car could offer.  So firstly one relieved himself on my window (which was fortunately up - apparently baboons urine is red, by the way) and then two more decided to try to rip out the water sprayers on the bonnet - which they succeeded in doing, and my attempt to spray them with water just encouraged them!  Fortunately they held on to the sprayers so when we got to the exit a park warden gave me them back and they were easy enough to put back on.

Not that you can really see, but in this picture my car is missing its water sprayers, because they're in my hand, covered in gnaw marks

We then spent a few days in and around Morecambe, We did lots of things but for some reason I don't have a lot of photos, there was a good bit of chilling out and endeavouring not to overdo it, taking plenty of rest breaks between naps, that sort of thing.

A stream that my son had a great time playing in.

I really don't care for this photo because it's brilliant at showing off my grey hair, but at least it detracts from my teeth...

A really hairy caterpillar, or as it is known in Latin, Hairyus Caterpilla.

We also spent some time in Dufton near Appleby in Cumbria when my wife met up with her university friends, so while she was catching up with people, I got to spend an entire evening eating pizza, drinking beer, watching TV and playing computer games, so I don't think I did too badly out of the deal :)

Sadly, all good things must come to an end, and when we did get back we had to tackle household chores - plus, see below...

My computer chair, except you can't see it due to the bag and hi vis jacket on it.  Plus there's another five hi vis jackets/coats/waistcoats all around it.

My past self, forced to clear out the car before we went on holiday, had thought "I know, I'll put all of these things on my chair, so that when we get home I'll have to sort them out".  Of course, my current self, after swearing at the decision I'd made, picked them all up and lobbed them back in the boot of my car where they can sit for another 6-12 months.

So, that's our holiday over and done with, and it's time to get back into the routine of normal life.  Hope you enjoyed reading, if you've been on holiday drop me a line in the comments about where you went, I'd love to read them :)

Going Away

As I write this, in about two and a half hours I'll (hopefully) be getting on a coach to take me and my wife off on holiday!  The blog has had quite a few guest bloggers (thank you all that have donated works) recently while we've prepared for a wedding, had the wedding, and then recovered from it, and I've got more guest blogs lined up while we're away for our honeymoon.

Before the house awakens and a frantic bout of last minute activity such as getting breakfasts, tidying up, collating a packed lunch etc takes place however, I popped on the computer.

I had an email from Tesco, my car insurance firm, saying that my latest insurance documents could be downloaded.  Whilst this wasn't an area of huge concern for me, I thought that it might be worth taking a quick look, mainly to see if they mentioned what I'd be paying for my insurance when it gets renewed in a few weeks

Unfortunately I was told "Sorry, but we are experiencing a very busy period right now".  So I didn't get them.

Man, I hated those 4.15am rushes for car insurance documentation, that's why I got out of the insurance industry.

See you all soon!

Vacation

Hi - I'm not nearby a computer for a few days, so fellow blogger Tim from Life, Explained has kindly volunteered to do a piece.  Tim's great and a very funny blogger, he's well worth checking out.

Take it away, Tim!


Hello.  Mike Raven is on vacation this week, and will not be able to return your calls.   Actually, I don’t know how long he is on vacation for, and whether he has a phone or not.  He seems to have some technical prowess, and sounds very bright, so he probably has some sort of communication device, but that is not what I am here to talk about.  I am here to discuss vacations (like Mike’s) and the best ways to get through them undamaged, sort of.

First there is the matter of diet.  It is too easy to overindulge while traveling.  Since you don’t have to clean up afterwards, or do dishes it is tempting to have three or four things at once.  “Give me a burger, a hot dog, a bratwurst, and pancakes, with a milk shake.”  That does sound good, but it will lead to an expanding waist line, and clothing budget, and unbearable ridicule from co-workers, friends, loved ones, and the people at the clothing store, smug, arrogant, thin philistines that they are.

A good way to counter this is to order a salad.  Green, leafy vegetables help keep the weight off, lower serum cholesterol, and help control hypertension.   Your rule of thumb should be one meal every day consists of a salad.  Following the one salad a day rule leaves you free to be a little more liberal with your other meal choices, steak, baked potato with extra sour cream and real butter, fried shrimp, and hot rolls fresh from the oven, steaming piles of noodles with melted cheese, and garlic butter, what an appetizer, I can’t wait for dinner, and dessert, oh man, could I tell you about desserts.

If you are a vacation veteran it is ok to call anything with lettuce a salad, a bacon cheeseburger, a bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich (lettuce and tomato that almost counts for two salads) a club sandwich, all of these are similar to the fountain of youth on bread.   You are getting younger by the minute.

With a little discipline there is no reason a smart person can’t come back from vacation healthier than when it began.  It just takes a plan and some will power.

In a spontaneous act of kindness and sympathy Mike has agreed to let me write a guest post for his blog.  The readers of my blog are so very grateful.  A little vacation for them as well, I hope they are enjoying the time off and eating wisely.