Five steps to keep cool in a heatwave

For those not situated in the UK, it's been warm today.  In fact, it's been the hottest day this year, with temperatures up to 33 degrees celsius (91 degrees fahrenheit) with train lines buckling under the heat.

Weather is the classic refuge for discussion topics for any British person, but we've all been delighted to be able to shift from our standard statements of "Dreadful weather isn't it". "I'm fed up of this rain", and "When is summer going to get here", because summer is here, and now we're able to say "I like it warm, but not this warm", "I can't do with this heat", and "It's humid, that's the worst thing".

Now, until we at Corvus Enterprises come up with a successful version of our weather modification device (tentatively named YouWeather, patent is pending), there are a number of strategies that you can take to handle the heat.

One - apply sun cream

Make sure that you use enough sun cream.  The higher the factor the better, I personally like factor 2000 which is a bucket of lard and an umbrella.  Coat yourself liberally in it.

Two - dress appropriately

Discard those business clothes, indeed discard all clothes.  Go to work naked, except perhaps for a sun hat.  This has the added bonus of helping with that all-over tan that you've been after.

For the purposes of decency I've not included a picture.

Three - don't go anywhere

In fact, why are you going to work at all?  Ring work and explain that you're suffering with a mild case of sun stroke - say that you got the sun cream mixed up with moisturising cream, and when you went out in the sun the heat boiled the water in the cream, and you were, in effect, poached.  And spend the rest of the day looking after your own health.

Four - keep in touch

It is very important that you advise people of your current condition by posting regularly on Facebook and Twitter about how hot and uncomfortable you are.  This not only lets people know that you're okay, but also stops them from complaining on social media about how hot and uncomfortable they are, because you got there first.

Five - drink plenty of liquids

This is of course the most important, many people extol the benefits of water, and water is indeed a fine thing - I personally recommend the tonic version, mixed with a little gin.

And of course if you are off work there are many establishments that offer chilled refreshments which are very good for you.

Cheers!

I hope that this short and easy to understand guide will help you get through the existing weather without too much difficulty, and before you know it we'll be complaining about the cold and the rain again.