Monday, 28 September 2015

A Guide to this Week's American Football Contest in London


Hello again folks, Jeremy Crow here to export some American values to my friend Thoggy Mike’s blog. Mondays are an awful thing to wish on a human being so I like to lighten my day by taking a bit of a world tour, dropping mental notes here and there in any location that the restraining orders have expired. In this case there hasn’t been any restraining order, I just think Mike forgets that I have access to his blog (shhh it’s a secret) but in the interest of spreading American values I want to talk a little bit about a great sport that we export to Britain once or twice a year, FOOTBALL.

Yes I realize that everyone over on the Anglican isle has another thing that they call football, and they probably think of what we play as American Football, but I am speaking from this side of the Atlantic so it will just be called football. Ner ner. Now I’m sure there are plenty of people over there who seem to have a grasp on what the rules of football are, but I want to share the nuances of what Americans really enjoy about the game. It isn’t just rugby with pads; it is more along the lines of Spartans Vs Persians. A game that was glorified in a movie called 500. Two warring armies face off in a gorge 50 yards across, and smash into each other with as much force as possible until someone either breaks through the lines or gets broken. Now THAT’S a sport!

Well seriously folks, if you have learned anything from this off season, football over here actually has more in common with a typical soccer (yeah that’s what we call your football and I am after all writing from over here ner ner and all that) hooligan. Cheating is frowned upon but secretly admired. There are those that can handle the beating and those that can’t. There are people who transcend the game, and there are of course those that show up like they are going to a KISS concert (we call those Raiders fans, stay with me here) but most importantly there is real honest to goodness hate that goes on in the sport. I know the English fans can relate to this.


I of course am a Patriots fan, so to put this into context my second favorite team on any given Sunday is “Anyone playing the Jets” and MVP of the league should be anyone that takes out Peyton Manning, but I will settle for anyone who can get some good shots in on that bitch Phillip Rivers. We study the other teams so we know exactly how to taunt them and their fans. This week the Pittsburgh Rapists became the Pittsburgh Dog Killers for example. The Minnesota Child Abusers beat up on the San Diego Crybabies, and the Filthydelfia Eagles were my second favorite team this week. Unfortunately my third and forth favorite teams (anyone playing the Dolphins and anyone playing the Bills) played each other so I took part in another American football tradition. I rooted for injuries.

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