To all Football Clubs

I'm aware that football (aka soccer in parts of the world) is big business and the cost of top quality players is really quite high.

Plus, when I was playing Fifa 12 the other day, I realised that I was selling off the players aged 32 because they were getting too old to play.

And I'm 32.

So to all top teams, while there's still a chance of me getting a good two years solid pay from playing football at a top club, I'd like to humbly put forward myself as your next purchase.

I'm extremely skilled at running for lengths of up to three yards at a time, and running into things, I don't care what - balls, players, goalposts, I've run into all of them - and can add a wildcard feature to any match.  Regardless of the ground surface I have a decent chance of falling over and injuring myself (generally with my ankle giving way, but I could do something with my knee or ligaments if that is preferable).  This way you can be sure that I will minimise the amount of time I spend on the pitch, either playing or training, which has got to be good.

I'm more than happy to present the club in positive forms of PR, for example by advertising razors, aftershave, fast cars or holidays.  Alternatively I'd love a piano.

I think for teams up against playing rivals featuring a star striker, I can be of great use by running into the star player at full pelt, ignoring the ball.  I'm sure to get a red card (thereby entirely removing the possibility of me scoring an own goal) and with all luck I'll cripple the striker, leaving the game wide open.

I also come with my own glasses (see below).  These glasses have special features, namely:

• They steam up almost instantly, meaning that it is entirely possible that the opposing team will stop playing to watch me tackle the referee
• They pop apart upon impact, so I'm likely to attract more than my fair share of balls aimed at my head, increasing the opportunity for headers

Wily football managers could even buy me for a small sum (see below) and then offer me on a free loan to their rivals, where I'll be able to sabotage them from within.

I have studied post-match interviews at length and am confident that I can adequately represent your club, with the use of these phrases:

• "It was a game of two halves."
• "They played to win."
• "My ankle hurts."

So to attract me to your team, all I ask is a seven figure salary, a sportscar, some new trainers and an understanding that I will undertake absolutely no training whatsoever.

Neither will I play at stadiums more than 60 minutes away from my house.

I look forward to your approaches.