Why is the word "long" shorter than the word "short"?
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Quick-minded
and slow-minded individuals have an equal ability to put their foots
in it. But only the quick-minded can sometimes get themselves out of
it.
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Occasionally
carry out an act of random kindness. No one knows what is going on
and the chaos that results is much more fun than an ordinary act of
evil.
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One
of the most satisfying acts in life is to repair that which does not
work. But shooting a computer in perfect order is entertaining too.
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Life
is full of obstacles. If you wish you can overcome them. But it's a
lot easier to avoid them.
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Technology
can do anything. Except what you want it to.
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Don't
ever worry about making fun of someones' accent. Somewhere else in
the world someone is making fun of yours.
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Never
miss a chance for chaos, even in death. Demand at your funeral all
mourners do a conga clutching a small bag full of mushy peas.
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Never
insult your hairdresser unless you want a pyramid-shaped head.
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Never
try to use tools or equipment when drunk, even for food purposes.
You will burn your house down and have to go to the takeaway anyhow.
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Every
button a piece of technology has reduces the chance of it working by
50%.
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Life
is short enough. Why spend it choosing curtains?
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Never
waste the hours 9-11 on a Saturday morning. Use them to choose a
good pub for the next twelve hours.
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Computer
problems do not need a physical source. They arise from energies
that we do not understand.
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Petrol
is flammable. Paper is inflammable. Yet they both burn. Discuss.
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Never
talk to an Australian about spiders. They will win.
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Shooting
fish in a barrel is harder than it sounds.
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Discretion
may be the better part of valour, but only if you can outrun your
enemy.
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Ask
a resident of Lincolnshire about their home, they will say Lincolnshire is
flat. So where did all the hills in the middle come from?
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Take
pride in the fact that whoever you meet, wherever in the world you
are, you will own some music that they hate.
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Dust
settles on things. People wipe the dust into a duster, then shake
the duster. After that the dust settles on things. Therefore never
dust and things will never get dusty.
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You
may own a scruffy mongrel hound or a pedigree poodle. Both will pee
on you.
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When
going to the betting shop, consider: How many betting shop owners
drive a Robin Reliant?
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When
a medium declares that they "feel the presence of spirits"
the bear in mind the possibility that the spirits are vodka-based.
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